Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Facebook Break-Up

Things aren't working out so great between me and Facebook. What began as an exciting, interactive fling back in 2006 has dwindled down into a bi-weekly saunter through the cyber-doldrums. I thought at first it was just a faze, and then just a rough patch. But I'm like 97% convinced that we just aren't compatible any more. And if Facebook as taught me anything about breakups, its that it is always the other person's fault. This is a personal issue so please keep this information confidential, unless you don't feel like it.

1. Status Expectations
I think at one time, posting a new status a couple times a week felt pretty normal. But life isn't always as dynamic as Facebook wants it to be. I'm at a point in my life where I eat granola for breakfast, before working eight hours at a factory, and maybe homework in the evening if I'm feeling wild. But everyday Facebook is on my case to share more exciting things. Well, excuse me for liking routine! Facebook's incessant demand to know more about me is just the worst. The problem is communication. Too much of it. I'm changing my status to "over you"

2. Where have all the friends gone?
When we started out, Facebook is where I'd go to find out what's new with my friends. Now things are different. Now I find myself wondering who all these strange names belong to. Thanks to Facebook's scandalous history, half the people on there now go by middle names, fake names, and pet names. Not to mention that increasing wave of friends who have already signed off for good. Now I'm pretty sure half my news feed is consumed by distant, one-time acquaintances, friends-of-friends, and the profile that guy made for his dog that one time. I'm sure they're all nice people, but its always weird when Facebook knows all my "friends" better than I do. Facebook, consider yourself "unfriended".

3. Where have all the people gone?
Come to think of it, you don't even show me people's statuses any more. It's all about the links now. Just so you know, I have never liked these. Facebook, do you have any idea how weird this stuff sounds? Not to mention completely oversold? Let me bring it down to earth a little.

"This man enters a police station with a drum set. What happens next - Amazing! Predictable!"

"478 of the most adorable animal pictures ever. Number 267 had me rolling on the floor laughing! wondering why I ever thought this would be less tedious than counting my own arm hairs."

 "These children are about to sing the national anthem. By the time they finish, I was bawling! I had spent 3 minutes listening to these children sing the national anthem."

And then there's the quizzes. Since they are so important to you Facebook, I made one of my own. I call it, "Should I break up with Facebook"

Q1. Do you ever get really frustrated with Facebook and wonder if you're life would be better without it?
Image result for facebook memes
Yes                                       No

Test Results: If you selected yes, you should totally drop Facebook.

You just can't argue with research. The results are in FB. It's not me, it's you.

Your friend, one-time-acquaintance,

Jake Rivers

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